


I'll always love you

by midnightsvoid



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 04:30:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19881670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsvoid/pseuds/midnightsvoid
Summary: “I— I made you smile and I made you cry. And I’ll forever wonder if she will be able to make you feel the same way I made you feel.”





	I'll always love you

  
Bucky cleans and re-cleans his gun, breaking it open and then putting it back together until his eyes start to sting.

  
He sucks in a deep breath, feeling the stench of the room and cold air which makes its way through a cracked space in the window.

  
“Did you really think it would be different?” He asks himself with a bitter huff. “Did you really think you get to have him all to yourself? You fucking selfish bastard.”

  
His finger slips and the slices against the sharp knife attached to his bayonet.

  
“Fuck.” He mutters and gets up to find a cloth.

  
There’s a ruffles outside, a set of footsteps against the dirt and approaching voices.

  
Bucky stops in his place.

  
“Peggy,” Steve’s voice says and it’s softer than his usual voice. “You know how much I appreciate that; what you’ve done for me.”

  
“I’m sure anyone else in my position would do the same thing.”

  
Steve huffs a laugh, “No I don’t think they would.”  
There’s a moment of silence and Bucky thinks they went away but then Steve continues.

“You’re one of the few people who actually sees me when they see me.” He snorts, an undignified sound. “Wow someone write that in my next script: Captain America whines about not being seen as himself.”

  
Bucky knows Peggy is smiling without having to see it.

  
“I think I understand where you’re coming from.” She says and it sounds melancholy. “Being a woman, I wasn’t the first choice people considered. They’re were at least ten other less qualified men taken up before I was finally given a chance.”

  
“Yeah,” Steve agrees.

  
The people back in Brooklyn didn’t see Steve as their first choice either. He was the small sickly kid who always got into fights. They never showed any hatred. In fact he was liked by many. The old ladies in their block praised him for standing up for the girls. The butcher shop right across the grocery store always gave Steve the left over slab of meat because Steve carried the groceries for his wife no matter how much it pained his back afterwards. The thing is when you get to know Steve _as Steve_ , there wasn’t anything not to like, or that’s what Bucky thought anyway. But most people didn’t take the time to get to know him.

  
“It’s getting late,” Peggy says after a while. There air feels different now and Bucky swallows, feeling guilty that he'd been eavesdropping on them.

  
“I’ll walk you back.” Steve says and then in a shuffle of feet they’re gone leaving Bucky with a mix of bitter sadness.

  
The thing is he approves of her—of them because Peggy is, well she’s exactly the kind of dame Steve should have. She’s got the same fire in her eyes that Steve does, the same determination and Bucky knows they’ll probably change the world together. He wishes he didn’t like her though. Wishes he hated her.

  
Instead he lies in his bed at night and thinks back to the time in Brooklyn where he had Steve all to himself. He’s selfish and he’s weak and he just wants to curl up around Steve like they did in the winters. Wants to just go back home in their shitty fifth floor apartment with creaking doors and ratty windows. Where he used to go to the roof at night and would be joined by Steve who snaked his hand around Bucky’s waist and smile at him, his crooked bright smile and Bucky would forget about the stress of his day.

  
He’s moving uncomfortably in his bed when Steve enters his room later. He knows it’s Steve cause no one else would be dumb enough to enter his room this late at night.

  
Steve locks the door behind him and Bucky doesn’t bother opening his eyes or acknowledge his presence despite knowing that Steve knows he's awake.

  
“I know you’re not sleeping,” Steve says as he hovers at the end of Bucky’s bed.

  
When Bucky doesn’t reply Steve puts a hand on Bucky’s socked feet.

  
“Bucky,” Steve says, softer but moves to sit at the edge of the bed.

  
Bucky blinks his eyes open and looks at him. Looks at him, this Steve with his newfound body and a thousand people after him; to get him to look at them, smile at them. But when Bucky sees him, it’s just the Steve from before, the bony kid with the same blue eyes, floppy blond hair and his stubbornness.

  
“Why are you doing this?” Steve asks and Bucky doesn’t know how to say what he wants to.

  
_Because she’s what you need, because she’s better for you than I’ll ever be. Because you can start a family with her and be happy just like I always wanted you to be. Because I’m toxic for you and when you finally realise that it’ll be too late._

  
“I don’t want to ruin your life.” He says.

  
Steve makes a frustrated sound, “How are you ruining my life when this is clearly my decision.”

  
“You clearly aren’t able to think straight.” Bucky says, getting up.

  
“Bucky stop.” Steve says.

  
“No Steve,” Bucky says. “This—” he gestures between the two of them, “this cant go on”

  
“Why not?” Steve interrupts.

  
“Because you’re not queer Steve. This isn’t you and the serum it should’ve cured you of this and you just think—”

  
“—Can you shut up?” Steve barks and he sounds angry. Good, Bucky thinks. Be angry and hate me.

  
“Do you even hear yourself talking right now? The serum should’ve cured me? You think this is a disease?”

  
When Bucky doesn’t speak Steve stands up to meet his eyes. He asks, softly this time.

  
“Bucky you think I was with you back then cause I was sick?”

  
“No!” Bucky says, then “I don’t know I—"

  
“You think you’re sick?” Steve asks, and he sounds hurt. Bucky doesn’t reply.

  
Steve huffs and looks down at his hand. He clenches his hand.

  
“When I finally got time to myself after the procedure and Dr. Erskine’s death the first thing I asked myself was if I still felt the same way about you. And I thanked God cause I was so grateful that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. For the longest time I thought that there was something wrong with me and you were with me because you pitied me—”  
“Steve I’d never—”

  
“—I know you don’t, Bucky. I know" Steve reassures.

“But I wanna ask you again, do you think I’m sick for loving you?”

  
Bucky cant meet his eyes, “You don’t, you shouldn’t love me cause what they gave to back in Azzano it was the same thing they gave Schmidt. And if what Erskine says is true that I’m worse than I already was and I still have these feelings for you. Steve I’m not right.”

  
“Oh Bucky,” and it’s the most gutted sound Bucky's heard that he looks up at Steve to meet his teary eyes.

  
“You’re not worse,” Steve chokes out. “Buck, how could you be? You’re the best guy I know. I—love you Bucky and if I still love you that either means I’m just as worse you are or that we’re both normal, we’re just the same guys we were in Brooklyn and we’re just like anyone else who’s sweet on someone.”

  
“You should go with Carter.” Bucky insists. “Even if I agree that we're not sick for loving each other. It still wont work. What we had, it was good but in the long run this isn’t what you need.”

  
 _I’m not what you need. In fact I don’t even think I’ll survive this war. I’m getting worse and it ain’t stopping anytime soon_.

  
“I— I made you smile and I made you cry.” He says, “I know you still love me and I’ll always love you—you know I will. And I’ll forever wonder if she will be able to make you feel the same way I made you feel.”

  
“Bucky don’t do this.” Steve whispers.

  
“I’m sorry Steve. We'll—I’ll always be your pal, I just can’t do this"

"Bucky"

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any typos.   
> Check my tumblr if you want @midnightsvoid


End file.
